Faking Pretty

 

So the other week I posted a blog about going to get help for feeling like something was off, for feeling like shit. It apparently was received well and that was surprising to me. Sometimes when you feel things so intensely, it never occurs to you that you could help someone. You are just trying to help yourself. Even when the point was to try and help people, you think, “this is not going to work, I wouldn’t have listened.” Again, I was surprised and ever so grateful to hear that I in fact did help a great deal of people and I hope that they too are getting the help that they need.

I did have a few people ask me, “Well, what happened? Are you okay?” and at first I was like, “well that wasn’t the point of the blog and none of your fucking business.” But I would be an asshole if I didn’t share what is going on. I began this journey. I opened the door. I think with some reflection it is only fair that to those that said it helped, it can only help you more to know, that there are good days and there are days, when you gotta fake pretty.

First, I just want to say that this topic I have been going back and forth with for weeks, which is why I haven’t posted anything. I wanted to be sure I could share myself like this before I opened my mouth. I normally am a VERY private person. I don’t talk to people till I am comfortable with them and all of you I don’t know. Most of you are my husbands’ friends or people he knows. I mean I have met you at some point but I don’t know you like he does. So I thank you for being so kind to me. As for the rest of the ether, anonymity is a blessing. So lets just do this…

Some days I just want to sleep. Like all day. And some days I sleep till I have to get my daughter. I cat nap on the couch while my son plays. If he needs anything I get up and get it for him, always change his diapers, feed him and so on but other than that, I sleep. I just don’t have it in me to get up. I don’t know why. Yes, this is with assistance from the doctor. I just have bad days. Then I get dressed, go get my daughter and fake pretty with the other parents for the 15 minutes we wait outside the gate for the kids to get out. I smile, laugh, socialize, do everything a normal person does, but the second I get back home I give myself one more hour of a nap before I force myself to make dinner. Then I stay up to be with both kids and watch their shows with them, talk about their day, play, be a normal mom, fake pretty. It’s rough. I feel like such a hack on those days, but for whatever reason, I just cant. It’s not a sadness I feel. I’m not mad, I’m just tired. I can’t will anything out of myself to do anything other than that. If I let myself get into my head I feel worse because I feel like I should have done more, been better, but somehow I manage to have these days when I have done all the chores. Thank sweet baby Jesus for that.

Other days I am fine. Actually most days I am fine. But it is important to acknowledge the bad days. I hear a lot that you have to talk about your good days be thankful for your good days. They help you move forward. I agree with that. I do so much on my good days. I run, play with the kids more, clean, hang out with people, do stuff. But the bad days matter too. You have to talk about them too. Know why they are there. I mean I don’t know exactly why I am so tired, I know that I am just tired and, that’s okay. I’m going to be okay. Being tired is not the end of the world. People are allowed to be tired. While I was tired, I never once let my kids go by the wayside. They didn’t suffer because of me. That’s a win. I didn’t let a bad day win. It might look like I did, but did I really? I don’t think so. I don’t think you should either. Small wins are still wins.

So, yeah, I might have to fake pretty sometimes. We all have to at some point. When an asshole gets a promotion that they didn’t deserve, when we go into work and we feel like shit, when we aren’t prepared for a life change but its coming anyway, or when you have to be the one who holds everyone up. We must fake pretty. We are better people for it. I tell you this today and everyday, just keep swimming. There is no greater achievement than yourself, especially if you has the demons. Be that example for your kids and loved ones that you can conquer anything, because you can. And remember, have a very merry un-birthday to you.

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